


I Can't Hate You

by Johnstonmara353



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: F/F, Miscarriage, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:13:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26627299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Johnstonmara353/pseuds/Johnstonmara353
Summary: Alicia finds out about Peter and Kalinda. While taking out her anger on Peter, Alicia learns a nightmare can quickly turn into reality. (Didn’t like that certain details of the show were overlooked when it involved the relationship between Kalinda and Peter. Certain phrases were stated but they were never addressed.)
Relationships: Alicia Florrick/Kalinda Sharma
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	I Can't Hate You

I Can’t Hate You

Alicia/Kalinda

Summary: Alicia finds out about Peter and Kalinda. While taking out her anger on Peter, Alicia learns a nightmare can quickly turn into reality. (Didn’t like that certain details of the show were overlooked when it involved the relationship between Kalinda and Peter. Certain phrases were stated but they were never addressed.)

Alicia couldn’t believe it. She could believe the hooker scandal. What politician didn’t have a sex scandal in their past? Clinton, Nixon, they all got past the negative and was some how able to focus on their families. Alicia could do that. She had done exactly what she was supposed to do until she discovered Leela. Until she discovered the ugly truth that had been mocking her every day for the last two years. As the hours past, her anger turned towards the one person she had trusted over everyone else. It wasn’t Peter’s infidelity that cut through her heart like a hot knife. What she was more upset about was her best friend betraying her. She had lied to her face in the middle of a courthouse. What dug at the back of Alicia’s brain was the agony that her only friend, was never her friend at all. But of course, in Alicia fashion, she took her rage out on Peter first.

She heard the door close to the apartment. It sounded much louder than it had an hour before. Alicia only froze for a moment before her brain began to spin all over again. The anger and hurt returning to the surface. Her hands shook as she placed pulled the rings from her finger, feeling stronger as the weight of her commitment was finally done. She quickly gathered her bag and keys; waiting for him in the kitchen. Her breath catching in her throat as a vision of Kalinda flashed through her mind. The pain in her chest burning brighter. For a moment she didn’t believe she would be able to catch her breath. Something didn’t feel right in the pit of her stomach. A hot flash came over her body. “I shouldn’t be here,” she whispered to herself. Something was pulling her away; screaming in her ears to leave.

Peter’s boots hitting the lament floor pulled her back to the small kitchen. His heavy footsteps that would always wake her up when he left for work every morning. She heard him before she saw his smiling face. Alicia knew he would be happy after the big win. Knew that she was expected to be in a celebratory mood. “It’s a little small don’t you think,” he said, rounding the corner with the typical politician’s smile on his face. She had grown to hate that smile over the last several years. It wasn’t real. He reached for her. Wanting to celebrate with her. 

Alicia backed away and tossed the keys to him. Her face holding the stern Alicia stare she had become so famous for. She held her bag tightly to her body, using it as a shield to keep him at a distance. She couldn’t be touched by the man that ripped her entire life apart. She couldn’t be accommodating to the man that allowed their children to be humiliated. She no longer had patience for the man that promised her forever and had sex with her only friend. Alicia was tired and didn’t have that fight in her anymore. “I paid the first three months rent. I moved all your things in for you. I’ll forward all your mail,” she said, all the emotion in her voice gone. All the love she ever had for him disappeared in those few seconds. 

Peter stepped closer to her. She was happy a few hours ago. She was smiling and laughing with the entire campaign. Her speech had been beautiful. “What’s going on?”

Alicia secured her bag to her shoulder. She had never seen Peter show fear in their entire marriage, until that moment. The only thing she saw as she looked into his eyes was pure fear and confusion. Unlike all the other times that Alicia had taken pity on him, comforted him, encouraged him, she didn’t feel compelled to do those things. Her instinct told her to stay away from him. “I dealt with the hooker. I dealt with the sex scandal. I explained it to our children when you were arrested. I did everything I was supposed to do as a supportive wife, but now I’m done, Peter.” Alicia placed her wedding rings on the counter. The meaning for both of them was significant. The only time Alicia had taken off her wedding band was during an emergency surgery. She had put it back on a few hours after she woke up. It wasn’t an object to her. It was a symbol of their love and commitment for one another. They didn’t have that. They had a marriage of convenience and had had one for longer than she cared to admit. “I’m filing for divorce tomorrow. You can expect the papers in the next few days.”

Peter tried to grab her arm, but she held up her hands. Silently begging him not to touch her. The that stood in front of him was no longer his wife. She was no longer the woman he married over fifteen years ago. The woman he married would never divorce him. Everyone had tried over the years to push Alicia towards divorce and she never considered it. Her parents begged her not to marry him at such a young age and she hadn’t listened. What had finally made her snap? “What the hell happened?”

Alicia’s eyes narrowed. Her cheeks turned red. She could feel her jaw ache as her teeth clenched. This wasn’t what she came to the apartment for. She wanted to drop off the keys, leave Peters’ mail, and drop the news that she didn’t want to be married to him anymore. Alicia didn’t feel the need to defend her actions. Multiple sex acts with a hooker should be explanation enough. But her anger began to boil over as she heard Kalinda’s laugh echoing in her ears. “You had sex with my best friend,” she hissed. 

Peter paused. Confusion crossed his face for a moment, but sudden recognition appeared. “You mean Kalinda?”

Alicia almost felt what little she had on her stomach start to come up. It burned in the back of her throat. Hearing Kalinda’s name leave his lips caused the pain in her gut to worsen. “I’m done, Peter. We can sit down and talk to the kids together in a few days.” She moved to the door, her breathing shallow as the pictures of them flashed through her mind. 

Peter grabbed her arm, but she jerked away, startling him. When did finally look him in the face, he saw the disgust. It wasn’t simple pain and betrayal that crossed her features, it was fear and disappointment. But there was something else hidden deep inside her green eyes that he couldn’t recognize. It was an emotion he had never seen directed at him. “Where are you going?”

She backed towards to door. Alicia hadn’t come to the apartment to fight with him. She didn’t want arguments or explanations. There wouldn’t be a reason why that would justify his actions. Alicia just wanted to leave. “I think I’m gonna have a talk with Kalinda.” It was the only excuse she could think to use. She hadn’t had any plans to confront Kalinda. Alicia wanted to wait until her nerves calmed down before she allowed the investigator to explain what happened. 

Peter’s entire face paled. “Alicia, do not blame her for any of this. It’s not her fault,” he said with a hint of fear in his voice. Peter had never believed the day would come that Alicia would ever meet Kalinda. He never thought the two would become close friends. And even after they became friends, he never thought she would find out. 

Her eyes narrowed. Something in the pit of her stomach twisted tighter. Her palms became sweaty. A fresh flash of anger erupted in her chest. Suddenly every awkward conversation she had had with Kalinda about her working in Peter’s office made sense. How the investigator would shift uncomfortably in her chair or quickly change the subject to something else. Something had happened that neither would speak. “Did you rape her, Peter?” The words tasted like poison as they left her lips. New images began to flash in front of her eyes. Images of Kalinda being pinned down, eyes filled with tears and fear. For a moment, she didn’t know if she would be able to come back to herself as she pictured Kalinda crying and fighting against a man three times her size. 

He looked away from her. Remembering that one night. Leela hadn’t said no, not in so many words. But the look on her face still haunted him. He hadn’t stopped even when he saw the tears streaming down her face. Even when she pushed on his chest in a feeble attempt to tell him to slow down. He hadn’t felt bad about what he had done until Kalinda had showed up at their apartment, needing to work with Alicia on a stay of execution. He remembered the slight flash of fear in her eyes as she pushed passed him without a word. “Don’t do this, Alicia.”

She felt the bile begin to burn her throat. It was easy for her to imagine Peter screwing a hooker. It wasn’t easy for her to know he could be a rapist. He had never laid a hand on her throughout their entire marriage. He had barely raised his voice to her over the past fifteen years. Peter holding a woman down and taking what he wanted wasn’t in her realm of possibility. However, as she looked in Peters’, Alicia realized the unimaginable was true, or at least a version of the truth. “I need to leave,” she whispered. Turning to the door. Her palm resting against the wooden door as she contemplated her next words. She needed to leave on peaceful terms to keep the divorce as simple as possible. “I’ll talk to you in a few days, Peter. Please don’t tell Zach or Grace about any of this until we can talk to them together.”

Peter didn’t bother reaching for her. He had been ashamed of what he had done. Ashamed that he ruined his wife’s friendship and hurt a woman that didn’t deserve it. He was to blame and was ready to take all that blame upon himself. Kalinda’s only mistake was needing his help. “Don’t take it out on her, Alicia.” 

Alicia stopped with her hand on the doorknob. All the anger towards her friend melted away, but the pain she felt for her remained. She released a shaky breath, her nails scratching the wood on the door. “You hurt the only person I still care about. I’ll never forgive you for that, Peter.”

*

Kalinda hadn’t expected the knock on her door at almost midnight. Only a handful of people knew her real address and she hadn’t invited any of them to her apartment. Lana had an early meeting with her supervisor and Will usually called before he decided to stop by. She was already in her black satin night gown, a shawl thrown over her shoulders as she looked through the peek hole in the door. She couldn’t believe what she saw when she opened it. Alicia standing in her door way, soaking wet. Her overnight bag thrown over her shoulder along with her brief case. 

“Alicia?” she asked, moving out of the doorway in order for the freezing woman to step into the front hallway. She could see the tear tracks on Alicia’s cheeks even through the rain drops. She could see the slightly pink nose and puffy eyes. Could see the stress and frustration on her face. Alicia had been fine when she left the office five hours ago. She remembered getting a text from her while she attended Peter’s acceptance speech. Alicia had said she was bored and wanted to leave, but she seemed fine. She was smiling on camera as she stood next to Peter. She had held his hand as the applause erupted. 

Alicia hadn’t known what she was going to say when she saw Kalinda for the first time after she found out. She had felt so much anger, so much resentment and regret. After her talk with Peter, after her time to think on her drive to the apartment she had never been to, Alicia felt numb. As she stared at the concerned face of the woman that had been hurt by everyone that had a duty to protect her, Alicia felt all the pain that was hidden deep in Kalinda’s hurt. She felt all the hurt and betrayal that had followed the investigator all of her life. As the pain pierced her heart, her voice caught in her throat. For a moment, she just stood there frozen. The anger still present, but directed toward the man responsible. All she felt as she stared into Kalinda’s eyes was admiration and the hope she wouldn’t run from her. “I need to talk to you,” she whispered. 

Kalinda moved aside to allow Alicia to move past her. Something was wrong. The investigator could feel it in the pit of her stomach. The chill that entered the room as the lawyer passed by her. A sense of dread had entered the room that hadn’t been there before. She watched as Alicia sat down at the island in the kitchen. Her coat draped over the counter. There was little emotion on her friends face. Alicia had never been unreadable to her, but in that moment, all she felt was despair and pain, two emotions she would have never associated with the normally upbeat, glass half full, attorney. 

Kalinda sat on the opposite side of the island, watching the woman sit in silence. Her eyes on the counter; her hands wringing nervously. Her rings were gone. The pale indent still present on her skin told her Alicia hadn’t taken the rings off too long ago. The older woman looked broken and Kalinda’s heart ached for her. She reached a hand to cover Alicia’s, stopping the fidgeting. For a moment, Alicia interlaced her fingers with the investigators before pulling away. The slow action hurt the investigator more than it should have, but Alicia never pulled away from her. If anything, Alicia usually leaned into the intimate gestures she offered. “What happened?” she whispered, searching Alicia’s wet eyes for an answer. 

Alicia took a shaky breath. It was impossible for her to allow Kalinda to touch her despite how her skin tingled with every caress. How much she needed the comfort only her best friend could offer. She had been so angry at the woman before she left Peter’s apartment. All Alicia had felt was pure hate as she phoned her agent to get an apartment immediately. She had felt disgust as she saw Peter for the first time. On the drive to Kalinda’s she had felt her heart being ripped from her chest. At that moment, she felt a part of her had been taken. Something was missing inside herself that had been present since Kalinda’s appearance in her life. She glanced up at her friend. Questions beaming in her eyes. Her hand refusing to move from the counter in case she needed it. “I need to talk to you about something, but I need you to not run away.” Alicia paused, watching Kalinda slowly nod. “And not lie to me.”

Kalinda searched Alicia’s face and all she saw was pain. An unbelievable amount of pain and emptiness. She could imagine a number of things that could have happened to Alicia in the few hours they had been apart. As her eyes quickly scanned her body, she found no injuries she could see. Her clothes were the same she wore to Peter’s speech and didn’t have a mark on them. The gears in her overactive brain were going at full speed, but nothing gave her a clue as to what brought Alicia to her door in the middle of the night. Kalinda turned her hand over on the counter, offering it to the older woman. A simple sign of understanding. “You can talk to me about anything.”

Alicia took a breath. Kalinda’s hopeful smile made her feel as if her dinner was about to reappear all over her kitchen floor. It made her sick thinking about the knowledge she had. Thinking about how hard it must have been for the petite woman to put everything in her past behind her only to be victimized a second time by the person that was in a position to protect her. Alicia’s hand shook as she brought it to her lips, trying to think of the words before they spilled out of her mouth. “I know what happened between you and Peter.”

Everything seemed to move in slow motion as the investigator’s brain registered what Alicia had said. Kalinda suddenly felt the color drain from her face. Her palms were drenched in sweat. Her heart pounding in her chest. She could already feel the tears coming. Her ear beginning to ring as she realized her entire world had crashed down around her. She couldn’t look at Alicia. She couldn’t look at her best friend and tell her what happened. She couldn’t tell her that the man she had been married to had used her situation in order to get sex. She couldn’t tell her that she said stop. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she muttered instead. 

Alicia had never seen panic in the investigators eyes until that moment. She had never seen fear hit Kalinda so quickly. She was normally completely calm. Alicia had seen her lie to lawyers, suspects, and gang bangers and never blink an eye. She tried to catch the investigator’s glances, but it was as if Kalinda wasn’t even there. She was unbelievably still, barely even breathing. “I’m sorry, Kalinda.” Alicia was careful with her words. Keeping them gentle and understanding. She had only seen the look on Kalinda’s face a few times in her life. While working with abuse victims during her first year out of law school. One abused wife that refused to testify against her husband and another twenty year old rape victim. They both shared that blank, vacant stare. Alicia looked up, watching Kalinda look everywhere but at her. “Peter already told me,” she muttered. 

Kalinda hadn’t realized the gasp that she heard fill the room had come from within her body. A breath that she had been holding for over five years. A breath that had become more strangled since becoming Alicia’s friend. She finally let the tears fall. Her hands covering her face. The memories of that night flashed through her mind. She could feel the bruises on her thighs and wrists as if they happened a few hours ago. The smirk on Peter’s face as he finally burned the file that had been hanging over her head flashed in her vision, Kalinda finally shattered. “I’m sorry,” she sobbed. A strangled sob that screamed for help. That begged for someone to care.

Alicia couldn’t take the gut wrenching sob that was released from Kalinda’s mouth. It was a sob that had been held in for far too long. Her heart was breaking into a million pieces. The mother in her craving to stop the pain. Alicia went to her, pulling her shaking body against her own. Feeling Kalinda’s fingers digging into her hips. Her fingers running through Kalinda’s hair before gently massaging the muscles in her tense neck. Her own tears falling in silence. Grieving the loss of her marriage. Grieving the loss of what dignity she had left as a housewife and mother. But mostly grieving for the fact that she looked at this woman every day and saw nothing. Alicia never saw the pain that was hidden behind the rough, exotic exterior. She never saw the violence she had suffered; the heartache and betrayal. She took part of that blame into her own heart. If she would have asked a few more questions or took more time to understand, maybe Alicia could have taken away her suffering sooner. “I’m so sorry, Kalinda,” she whispered into the woman’s hair. Running a hand down her back. Allowing the woman to sob against her chest. Her fingers pushing the shawl from the woman’s shoulders, feeling her overly heated skin develop goosebumps as Alicia’s hands trailed slowly down her back. “I wish you would have told me.”

Kalinda cried harder. A chill running through her body as her arms and back were exposed to the cold air in the room. Alicia’s touch typically caused a calm to pass through the investigators body, but as she felt the attorney’s nails drag softly over her back and shoulders, she sobbed harder. “I never wanted you to know,” she breathed between sobs. The smell of Alicia’s perfume surrounding her made her feel more guilty. More shame for what she had done to someone she cared deeply for. But the more shame she felt, the deeper she buried her face in the fabric of Alicia’s blouse. Kalinda remembered what she had agreed to that night that ruined a part of her she would never get back. She also remembered all the things she didn’t agree to. All the things that were forced on her. “It wasn’t supposed….to...” She couldn’t bring herself to finish. The words felt like poison on her tongue. In a flash, she remembered the moment of panic and the strength at which Peter had used to pin her to the bed. 

Alicia knew what the words were gonna be. Peter all but admitted to what she had feared. She could fill in the blanks on her own. Her nightmares for the next several weeks would assist with bringing her anxiety and panic to a level she had never experienced she was sure. Now she had to pick up the pieces that were broken and shaking in her arms. Fix what Peter had broken. Fixing his mistakes as she always had, only this time, she wanted to be there to see Kalinda through to the other side of her darkness. “I know,” she whispered, stepping into the gap between Kalinda’s legs, bringing her body closer to her own. Kissing the top of Kalinda’s head as she cried into her chest. Wanting to fix the hurt. Wanting to hold the woman that had been untouchable for so long. Needing to be closer than was physically possible. “It wasn’t supposed to happen. You said no and he didn’t stop.” Kalinda tried to speak. Tried to get words out, but the sobs were too much for her petite body to handle. Alicia wrapped her arms around Kalinda’s back, taking a few deep breaths before she spoke. “Shh, give yourself a minute,” Alicia soothed, using the same tone she would when Grace would become overly upset. 

It took far more than a minute for Kalinda to catch her breath and for the tears to subside. How was she supposed to explain to her best friend that she had sex with her husband to shut him up, to keep him quiet? She had made a decision that night. A decision to show up at the hotel, telling no one where she was going. Leaving her cell phone in the car, as instructed. She had made so many decision that night, of her own free will. The encounter didn’t happen as the had agreed on, but the results were the same. Kalinda had sex with Peter. It had been planned and scheduled. Nothing about her decisions were innocent. She wasn’t the victim. Alicia was the victim. Grace and Zach were the victims. She pulled herself away from the lawyer. Keeping her eyes on her hands as they dropped in her lap. “Do you wanna know why?”

Alicia shook her head, carefully running her fingers along Kalinda’s bare shoulder. A gentle reminder that she was still there, she wasn’t leaving. It had always been like that between them. Everyday touches, skin to skin contact, could calm the most violent storms that were brewing in the other. “Not right now,” she whispered, brushing a few strands of hair from Kalinda’s face. “I think emotions are too raw right now.” 

Kalinda grabbed a dish towel from the counter and proceeded to wipe the tear tracks from her face. Her mascara and eyeliner smudging. “So what do we do now, Alicia.” If Kalinda could have made herself disappear, she would have waved her magic wand and made it happen. She wasn’t ready to face what she had done to the only person that had ever shown her unconditional friendship and compassion. Kalinda was bracing herself for the outburst. She tried to mentally prepare herself for the tongue lashing she knew was coming her way. She deserved it. She deserved every harsh word Alicia had to throw her way. 

Alicia sat back in her chair. She didn’t feel compelled to leave. Kalinda’s body wasn’t telling her to leave. The attorney dug through her bag, aware that the younger woman was watching her every move, pulling out her phone. She switched the phone off, placing it on the counter, a small gesture that she wouldn’t be pulled away easily. “Tomorrow is the first Saturday we’ve had off in quite a while. I vote we sleep in,” she said with a gentle smile. 

Kalinda was getting the sense that Alicia didn’t intend to leave. That both comforted and frightened her at the same time. Why wasn’t she angry? Why wasn’t she asking more questions? And what the hell happened to Peter? “You want to stay here?” Kalinda had never invited anyone to stay at her apartment. It was her safe space. Only two people even knew where she lived and Will didn’t make a habit of coming to her apartment in the middle of the night. “What about the kids?” she asked, quietly.

Alicia leaned forward on the island. Her hand reaching out for hers. “I want to be here with you.” She watched as the wheels in Kalinda’s brain turned. She watched as her hand hovered in midair for a moment before gently covering her own. She still wasn’t able to catch the investigators eye. “Grace is at a weekend church event with her friend Shannon. And Zach is staying the weekend with an old friend from Highland Park.”

Kalinda couldn’t figure out why Alicia was acting the way she was. She should be screaming at her. She should want her out of her life. As she searched her friend’s face, Alicia just offered a gentle, soothing smile. “I need to wash my face,” she whispered, pulling her hand away. “The bedroom is the last door on the left. Pajamas are in the top drawer. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Alicia watched Kalinda as she disappeared into the bedroom and heard the bathroom door click. Her head fell into her hands as a quiet sob finally broke through the solid wall she built around herself before she walked into the apartment. It wasn’t about her pain. It wasn’t about the betrayal and frustration she felt toward Peter. Alicia wanted Kalinda to trust her with her pain. She needed to understand it and feel it. As the tears subsided, the attorney dried her face on the same towel Kalinda had used only moments before. It seemed appropriate that their tears mingled. She left the chair and headed in the direction of the investigators bedroom. She noticed there were no pictures hanging on the walls. No decorations besides the black clock on the wall of her living room. It was as if no one lived there. Kalinda’s bedroom was completely different. It was colorful. It reflected her Indian heritage. Bright oranges and reds decorated the walls and bed coverings. Kalinda’s exotic personality showing through as Alicia focused on each color throughout the room.

Alicia grabbed a t-shirt and a pair of shorts from the top drawer, fighting the urge to pull open the others. She changed quickly. Setting her clothes in a neat pile on the arm chair in the corner of the room. There were a few pictures sitting on Kalinda’s dresser. One of the investigator and Will at a bar, it looked as if the attorney had taken the picture himself. There were two pictures of Kalinda and herself that Alicia hadn’t seen before. One was of the two of them at the firm’s Christmas party, sitting on Diane’s couch in the darkened office. Snow falling outside the window as the sat laughing at something that was probably only funny because of the alcohol. The second was a picture of them sitting at her kitchen table helping Grace with her homework. She remembered Owen hovering in the doorway while Kalinda talked the young female Florrick through a Geometry problem Alicia would have never been able to start. 

Kalinda came out of the bathroom. Her hair was down around her shoulders. Her face was clear of makeup, but the tear tracks remained. She knew Alicia noticed that she couldn’t look at her. She wasn’t ready to read the expressions on her face. She wasn’t ready to see what emotions were hiding in the attorney’s eyes. Walking silently and tentative to the bed before sitting on the edge facing away from Alicia. It was unfamiliar to her to have someone in a space that was previously only hers. “You don’t have to stay here if you want to leave.”

Alicia pulled the covers back on the right side of the bed. Sitting with her back against the head board. She knew when she had volunteered to stay that it would be uncomfortable. They would have moments of silence that would make them both regret confronting their demons. Even as the silence drifted over the attorney, she never felt the need to leave. She never felt the need to avoid the subject. She wanted the relationship she had with Kalinda. Losing it over something that was neither of their fault was unthinkable, but she would follow the investigator’s lead. If she wanted her to leave she would. “Do you want me to leave?”

Kalinda let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was been holding. She still didn’t want to turn around and face Alicia, but she didn’t want her to leave. She didn’t want to be left alone with the thoughts of her past to haunt her. “I would prefer you stay,” she whispered, climbing into the bed and mimicking Alicia’s position against the head board. It wasn’t eye contact, but it was progress for her. If anyone else had been in her bed she would have sent them away. That was if they could even get into her bed. “I don’t do so well alone when I’m upset.”

Alicia turned on her side. “It’s just me, Kalinda.”

In a normal situation Kalinda would want to roll her eyes. She hated when people stated the obvious when she was clearly more emotional than she had ever been. But this was different. Intimate almost. “I think I’m just a little confused.”

Alicia sighed. This was a confusing situation, but what do you normally do when you find out your husband slept with another woman? You go to your best friend. “Nothing has changed between us, Kalinda. You’re still my friend and I still love you.”

Kalinda wiped a few stray tears from her cheek. “I’m...I’m not very good at this. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like being confused. I don’t like not knowing where I stand. I just...I don’t like not understanding what is happening.” It all came out in one long rant. She could barely catch her breath. 

Alicia maintained her distance across the bed. If she touched Kalinda she could run away. She could refuse to speak of the subject again. She didn’t want to lose Kalinda trying to help her. “Whatever you’re unsure of or have a question about, you can ask me. I’ll answer the best I can,” she said, wanting to reach out for her friend. 

Kalinda was silent for a moment. So many emotions were running through her body. She didn’t want to cry anymore. “Why are you here? Why don’t you hate me?” She was trying to hold back tears. She had been holding onto the truth for so long. “I hate myself,” she whispered. 

Alicia moved closer. Her forehead resting against Kalinda’s arm. Of all the emotions running through her body as she felt Kalinda tremble against her, hate wasn’t one of them. “I could never hate you.” Her lips kissed the skin of her arm gently. The attorney’s eyes focused on the investigator’s face. “I am angry, Kalinda, but not at you.” 

Kalinda found Alicia’s hand and intertwined their fingers. Out of all the scenarios the investigator had contemplated in her head involving Alicia finding out about Peter, comforting, compassionate and loving Alicia was not what she expected. She could handle the yelling, name calling, and accusations; they had been hurled her way her entire life. Kalinda had become an expert in the act of not feeling. But with Alicia’s fingers moving soothingly over her own, the young woman felt everything. And she wasn’t sure the older woman was prepared to know and feel the things that were locked inside her heart. “I did so many terrible things,” she whispered. Her eyes focused on Alicia’s soft hand in hers instead of the attorney’s face. “You wouldn’t care about me if you knew who I was.”

Alicia’s hand tightened in hers. It was her intention when they entered Kalinda’s bedroom to to not ask any questions. The situation was already out in the open. Her intention had never been to upset the young woman to the point of panic. But Kalinda wanted to talk; it was written all over her face. She wanted to confide in someone. “Tell me, honey,” she whispered, moving the black curls behind the shaking woman’s ear. 

Kalinda took a trembling breath. “You’ll be afraid of me. I don’t want you to be afraid,” she mumbled, glancing at the woman sitting far too close. 

Alicia’s other hand rested on Kalinda’s thigh. “I’d never be afraid of you.”

Kalinda took a deep breath, squeezing Alicia’s hand. She had never been given the opportunity to tell her story to anyone. Eli hadn’t wanted to know what really happened that night. Lana had asked her repeatedly to tell her the entire story; to trust her with information that Kalinda had never trusted anyone with. She could never finish the story, too afraid of the consequences if she did. Too afraid of the pity she would receive if anyone really knew what her life had been like before Kalinda Sharma. But as Alicia tightened her fingers around hers, the investigator felt a strength she had never felt before. “When I was sixteen, I married a man far too old for me. And far too dangerous. I thought it’s what I wanted.” Kalinda remembered her parents faces as she said goodbye to them for the last time. Her mother was inconsolable, begging her not to make a decision she was far to young to make. She had seen her father cry for the first time. She was the baby of five children. The brilliant, beautiful girl he had always wanted. Leela had been the center of her parents’ world. “My parents objected, but there was nothing they could do. They tried, but I wouldn’t listen. I was already his.” The last few words were whispered. It was difficult to picture her life so many years ago. It was as if she was seeing it through the eyes of someone else. Leela was passive; the peacemaker. She would rather agree than suffer the consequences later. The complete opposite of Kalinda Sharma. “It wasn’t long after, the abuse started. Then he started bringing in his friends,” she whispered, glancing away from Alicia. The shame she felt for allowing her body to be used for so many years caused her to pull away from the attorney. “For five years, I put up with the abuse. I dealt with the consequences of being assaulted. One night, he became more violent than normal. He knocked me down the stairs. Broke two ribs when he kicked me. He left me at the bottom of the stairs.” Kalinda glanced at Alicia. She had never told this part of the story to anyone but Eli who had promised to never speak of the information again. “For this this next part, I need attorney-client privilege.” She waited for Alicia to nod before she continued. “I waited for him to fall asleep. I poured gasoline all over the house. I took the cash from the safe and I set the bastard on fire.”

Alicia sat up. Watching Kalinda, watching for the walls to break. Waiting to reach out for the slowly sinking woman. Alicia had expected the conversation to bring tears and pain. She had never expected the brutal reality of Kalinda’s past. “Why did you do it, Kalinda?”

The investigator brought a hand to be abdomen, trying to fight the tears that wanted so badly to fall. She felt the pain ripping through her pelvis as if it had just happened. Her breath coming in short, sharp gasps. “I thought my son was still alive,” she choked out through a broken sob. It was the first time she had ever spoken of the most horrific moment of her life. It wasn’t the beatings she took from her husband every few days. She even handled the sexual assaults with strength that no one would expect her to have, but the moment her sons dead body left hers every ounce of love, compassion, and mercy vanished from every corner of her heart. “I didn’t know the broken ribs had caused internal bleeding. I didn’t know that he would be dead hours later due to lack of oxygen,” she panted as she remembered those painful moments. Her body ached as she climbed the stairs and poured the flammable liquid throughout the top floor of the home that never really felt like home. The only thing she grabbed on the way out was her sons last sonogram from the kitchen table. She remembered feeling nothing as she lit the match and sent their home up in flames. She only watched it burn for a moment before disappearing into the woods behind their home. 

“After I set the house on fire, I went to a friend. She knew Eli Gold. At the time, Eli was working in Canada for an election campaign.” Kalinda took a deep breath as she felt Alicia’s hand cover hers on the blanket. “I don’t remember being taken to the hospital. And I don’t remember going into surgery. The only thing I remember from that first day was waking up.” She remembered feeling sore and empty. She could feel the stitches on her belly pull with every movement she made. The only thing she could remember asking for was her son. “Eli didn’t wait for the doctor to tell me. He’s the one that told me my son was dead.” She could remember the tears streaming down his face as he explained what had happened to her. He held her hand when she couldn’t stop the screams and sobs from leaving her body. He had protected her when doctors wanted to sedate her to prevent her from harming herself. Eli never allowed it. “He told the doctors my name was Kalinda Sharma and that I was a friend from the States. He told them I tripped and fell down some stairs at a house warming party. They didn’t ask any questions.” Everyone knew who Eli Gold was. He was the famous campaign manager that showed no mercy when it came to the opponent. Everyone hated him, but them also respected him. They allowed him to have say over her care throughout her stay in the hospital. 

“Eli made the call to Chicago. Told Agent Lana Delaney he had a domestic abuse victim that needed to be relocated. She came and picked me up the next day and took me to the State’s Attorneys office. Eli, Lana, and Peter helped me escape and get a new identity.” She had felt a sense of relief when she received her new birth certificate, social security card, and drivers license. She felt free for the first time in her life. “It wasn’t until the second year I was at the DA’s office that Peter called me Leela. Bringing up little details of my past.” Alicia squeezed her hand as she approached the end of the story. The reason they were currently in Kalinda’s bed. The investigator closed her eyes for a moment, feeling the older woman’s thumb caress her knuckles as she tried to stop the tremor that threatened to run through her body. “One night when we were working alone, Peter brought out a file. It had pictures of the fire. Pictures of my husbands dead body on the slab in the morgue. The missing persons report that was issued by my parents..” Kalinda took a moment. Her hands shaking. “He had a copy of my sons death certificate,” she whimpered, trying to hold in the tears that were threaten to fall again. That was the moment Peter had broken her. It was the physical damage that was done to her body. It was the knowledge that someone was brutal enough to taunt her with the son she never had the chance to know. “He said if I had sex with him, he would burn the file. I didn’t think about it. I didn’t care what I had to do to keep Leela dead. I’m sorry, Alicia.”

Alicia wrapped her arms around Kalinda for the second time that night. Pulling the woman against her chest, as she reclined against the pillows. “I’m so sorry, Kalinda.” She hated Peter more than she ever believed possible. She wanted to kill him. Wanted him to never see his children again. Wanted him to hurt as much as he hurt so many people. But she wanted to protect Kalinda more. Needed her to feel safe with her having personal information. Knowing that Alicia would keep it in a secret file in the back of mind. “You’re safe here. I’m not gonna let anyone hurt you anymore.” She kissed her forehead before brushing the hair away from her face. She wanted to see the investigators beautiful face. “It’s time to let someone protect you.”

Kalinda shook her head. The tears had finally stopped, but her body still shook. Her eyes fluttered open, catching Alicia’s green ones. She didn’t know what she had expected to see when she finally caught the attorneys gaze, but love and compassionate wasn’t on her list on possibilities. “I don’t know if I remember how,” she whispered. 

Alicia didn’t allow her gaze to drop. It was the first time Kalinda had looked at her since they had gotten into bed. She wanted Kalinda to see every ounce of love and understanding she had to offer. She wanted her to see how much she cared. “Let me protect you, Kalinda.” One hand running down the side of her cheek, feeling the woman in her arms begin to relax. It was the rawest and most open she had ever seen the investigator. “Let me in.”

Kalinda buried her head back in Alicia’s chest. The warmth of her skin and the smell of her perfume a calming combination for the tense investigator. No one had ever taken care of her. No one had ever taken the time to ask what she needed. It was a new sensation that ran through her veins. She allowed Alicia to hold her. She never allowed anyone to hold her. She never wanted to feel that vulnerable with anyone, but with Alicia everything was easy. Everything felt natural. As she felt Alicia’s fingers run along her cheek, her heart screamed at her. She could trust her with anything. “When the doctors were repairing the internal bleeding and delivering my son, they had to do a hysterectomy. There was too much damage done turning the attack.” It took years for her to finally except the fact that she would never have children of her own. Nick had taken that away from her. She remembered the first time after the attack filling out a doctor’s form and checking the box that she had no children. On the way home, she cried. “Eli never left the hospital. He was with me through that initial mourning period. He was the only one that never tried to use what happened against me. He never brought it up after the new IDs were made. He never looked at me differently.” Kalinda glanced up, a few stray tears falling. Alicia’s fingers trailing up and down her arm. “He puts flowers on my sons grave every year. Sometimes I catch him visiting when I go to the grave site. He was the first good person I remember meeting in my life.”

Alicia pulled her closer. Smelling the coconut scent in her hair. “Thank you, Kalinda.” It was as if Kalinda was offering a gift every time she spoke of her past. 

Kalinda allowed her body to relax against the attorney’s. The gentle caress of Alicia’s hand down her almost bare back calmed her pounding heart. “I don’t know what more I can tell you tonight.” Her brain was tired. Her emotions had been exhausted. Laying against Alicia’s warm body all she wanted to do was allow her body and mind to finally sleep. 

Alicia closed her eyes. Running a hand up and down Kalinda’s back. Feeling the goosebumps on her skin as her nails gently ran along her shoulder blades. “What was your son’s name?” she whispered into the room.

Kalinda smiled, burying her face in Alicia’s chest. She didn’t get the opportunity to meet her son. She couldn’t hold him. Couldn’t hear his first cries. But that didn’t make her love him any less. She loved him more than her heart could bear at times. “Lucas...”

Alicia could finally feel Kalinda’s body completely relax against her own. The investigators arm slowly moved to lay across the attorneys abdomen. Kalinda’s body gently curling into hers. “Sleep. We’ll talk more in the morning,” she whispered, kissing the top of her head and lacing her fingers with Kalinda’s over her stomach. 

A shiver ran down Kalinda’s body. She felt Alicia pull the blanket around them both and flick off the bedside light. “Don’t sleep. Too many dreams,” she whispered against Alicia’s bare neck. 

Alicia pulled her closer. The investigators leg slid over one of hers. Whatever it took to make Kalinda feel safe while she slept, she would do. She would protect her from the nightmares and monsters that would inevitably come. “Not tonight, Love. You sleep. I’ll keep the monsters away.”


End file.
